(no subject)

[slipstreamsurfr]

I finished Dan Brown's "Digital Fortress" this morning. It's a good book if you like quasi gov agency/mystery/thriller type books... The code hook was good though. The code he placed on the last page of the book was inspired. And yes, he did give you a hint on how to solve it in the book.

So, time to decide, start the next Dan Brown book "Angels & Demons" or go for Kelly Armstrong's "Bitten"... One, dealing with the Vatican, the other a werewolf.... hrmmmmmm......

In other thoughts this morning... Still dealing with my own demons. I have to question the motivation behind the choices I seem to want to make. It seems that I often want the path less traveled. The path that is just beyond my reach and because of that, I begin to feel depressed and anguished about why I can not do what I want to. Why don't I deserve to follow my chosen path....

Sometimes though, when you get the ONE thing you want more than anything else there is a letdown, a crash of feeling, an emptyness and you are left wondering why you wanted it so bad in the first place. I fear this.

Now most people grow out of this sometime in their teens. I'm in my late 30's now and there is no end in site.

But again, sometimes, the path less traveled, the path with the densest darkest forest, the path that feels it is just beyond your reach, holds the answer. The light, the feeling, the clarity, the answer, the happiness that you seek.

So, how do you know if what you feel/see on the path ahead of you is the true path. The one that will in the end, reveal itself as the grail that you seek.

hrmmm..

Demon...

One day I will banish thee.
Or at the very least, put thee at bay a while.

Comments

It happens

[redcoffin.livejournal.com]

Hey Slipstream --

I was browsing livejournal for interesting people, and got tired of infinite numbers of journals by 22-year-olds whining about the stuff that 22-year-olds whine about, so I searched for people born the same year I was, who list anime as one of their interests. You're the most interesting one who's popped up so far. You are a month younger than me, and I can see you're dealing with some of the same things I am, as I see the traditional start-date of middle age coming very close, and still living in what might be politely called "bohemian circumstances." I'm working on my third novel, none published, and trying to juggle it with a day job that consumes 12 hours a day, paying back large amounts of debt and other idiotic things that take time away from the important parts of life.

I don't have any pat answers for the conundrums of life, though I can say from my own experience that "not playing by society's rules," has consequences which become progressively harder to dismiss as one gets older. Everything I know about it, suggests that if you have the stomach for the long dark forest, something good will come out of it -- but that doesn't make it any easier day to day. Ultimately we do these things because they are worth doing, not for any exterior reason (such as money or the praise of the mob or whatever). About the only thing I know for sure is that the fact that I've reached this age without giving up, means something. So anyway, you have a sympathizer down in Texas, whatever that's worth.

All the best --

Nigel Redcoffin

Re: It happens

[slipstreamsurfr.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the post Nigel. Anxiety leading to depression that leads back to more anxiety leading back to deeper and deeper depression. It's a viscious cycle that is self feeding.

It's also one that's hard to break.

That being said, sometimes the best thing to do is step back a while and look at things. To drop the self-made enclosing mantel of guilt and allow yourself the option of free will and the oppertunity to look towards the future. What is in the past is past and can't be changed. Perhaps you can learn from your past mistakes, but don't let yourself be paralyzed with the indecision and the fear of maybe making mistakes again.

I've thought a lot about the "why" of the path less traveled in the darkest part of the forest. "Why" don't others seem to have the same problem as I do. As was pointed out by someone very dear to me, some people experiance the blinding light of their chosen path early on and only see the one "right" path for them. Others never see a path beyond the mundanity of everyday life, perhaps not always happy to work their daily socially acceptiable/expected job, but relativly content and left in an unknowing state about the possibilities of the their future paths.

So perhaps having these kinds of choices to make on the paths of life are a form of a curse. We are individuals that exist in a self formed prison of doubt. Not knowing for sure if the path we choose is the correct one while those around us all appear content with their lot in life.

But then again, perhaps it is a blessing. By having the clarity of insite into our own being, we realize we have a choice. This may put us a step above the average Joe in at least the knowledge that we have some small choice in our path. We know that we have free will, the ability to create a future that is of our own design. We dare to dream.

Congrats on your first two novels, unpulished though they may be currently. It shows dedication to your craft and I'm sure the third one will be completed in due time. Perhaps this one will catch the eye of a publisher. I wish you luck. I guess the best we can do is try to make time for those things that we identify over time as being "important" in life. It sounds like you've got a good start on that.

Not knowing where you are in Texas but knowing your intest in Anime, are you perhaps attending Akon in June?

Re: It happens

[ceal.livejournal.com]

Greetings! I'm dead curious: What sort of novels are you writing?

Rose colored glasses

[ariel817.livejournal.com]

I suppose it would be awful Pollyannaish to say there is merit in stepping out on a path on faith -- that making a choice, sticking to it, banishing second-questioning self doubts, and having faith that it all works out in the end... would be over the top :)

Yet, I believe it and I've yet to be proven wrong.

I know that you've got some things many people never have the good fortune to have -- a loving spouse and good marriage, friends who care (waving), a good dose of innate intelligence and common sense, many talents -- but most of all, did I mention a good marriage and loving spouse? :) Do you know how rare that is, and how lucky it makes those of us in good relationships? I know I feel lucky about that, when I think about it.

But I think the biggest thing is really, make a choice and go for it. Banish the doubts and self-questioning after you've made a decision as much as you can and don't play what-if head games with yourself. In the end, it really does all work out. But then, you know I am an incurable optimistic Pollyanna, right? :)